Me And My Charms

so yeah....

2008-05-22T17:39:13Z

i thought i should post since is has been a couple of days. my life is pretty devoid of anything exciting, so it keeps my updates at bay.

let's see...today on my to do list:

!. sweep and mop
2. clean the dog's kennel
3.give the dog a bath
4, clean the bath room
5. drink only water...i'm fasting today

tomorrow i think i will take my measurements to start gauging my process because i don't have a scale. sucks deluxe. i hate being this heavy.

Writer's Block: The sound of inspiration

2008-05-16T22:25:42Z

What type of music inspires you?

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the kind that is depressing.

at a loss.

2008-05-12T05:59:18Z

Well, I've been at a loss recently. I don't even know how I feel anymore about anything. More and more I find myself thinking," Fuck, what IS fucking wrong with ME?!". I don't know what to do. My husband and I need health insurace because I need help with the way I've been feeling. I am at my wits end, I really am. It is all so much bigger than me. It isn't soley my eating disorder anymore. I feel like fucking shit all the time. There will be days I feel like everything is going to be okay.....that I AM okay. There are days I think to myself, "I can totally swing this whole being alive thing." or "wow, I can breathe today and I don't want to run away screaming from everything.", but those days are becoming more and more rare.

I'm a failure at being EDed. I mean, I totally maintain the mindset and self-loathing I've had for as long I can remember, but I haven't been restricting. I haven't really been COE-ing though either. I've just stayed at this cow-like weight for entirely to long. I need to lose weight. If I can control the way I feel, I can at least control what I eat or don't. That alone makes me feel better. Sad, yes. True, totally. I have to start truely holding myself accountable for my weight again. I guess I've just been feeling extra defeated lately by everything. I've been getting the urge to cut really bad. I want to feel differently.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. I really motherfuckingly don't.

I'm 5'4" with a medium build

CW: 140 ish lbs(yeah, I'm fucking fat. I don't currently own a scale so my little victories are going to go unnoticed....but I can live with that)
HW: 145lbs (in 7th and 8th grade)
LW: 99 lbs
GW1: 120 lbs
GW2: 110 lbs
UGW: 100

and from there who the fuck knows.

going away for the weekend

2008-05-02T18:22:20Z

my husband and i will be going over to his mother's to do laundry and visit, probably for the whole weekend. not that anyone cares, but if i am not around that is why.

i'm kind of down today. again. story of my life. i feel really angry today and i don't know why. the phone stopped working, i am trying to fix it. i don't really have anything to say.

i probably ate a total of 1000 cals yesterday. yeah, i know, i fucking suck.

day three

2008-04-30T19:55:39Z

well, day three of my, um, diet and i feel like shit. no energy at all and i have been craving a moon pie since yesterday. other than that though it is going well. i haven't really felt well enough to eat anything since breakfast so i haven't....no complaints there.....eating has just been making me feel like hurling (involuntarily) so, hopefully that will go away soon because i already have no energy and eating less won't help me any. i think i might be coming down with something...so maybe that is my problem. thank god for diet pepsi!!! it gives me just a little boast. coffee has been disagreeing with me lately, which sucks, because i really like it. oh well, what can you do? i'm going to clean up the kitchen, take a bath, and lie down and take it easy.

Angie, i will call you tomorrow!!!! i promise for real, okay? i just feel like crap, i don't even want to sit up.
<3 love ya!

Writer's Block: Personality Trait = Trouble

2008-04-30T18:01:43Z

What personality trait has gotten you in the most trouble?

View 500 Answers

my childishness.

Writer's Block: Dream Job

2008-04-29T20:14:21Z

What's keeping you from your dream job?

View 501 Answers

talent. lol.

feeling better

2008-04-29T19:52:05Z

Well, today I am feeling much better than I have been. I'm keeping hydrated and all that. I did my normal cleaning routine, talked on the phone to Anna, and played with the dog. My life isn't very exciting as you can tell. Later I will be doing some yard work....picking up various trash that has blown in to the yard.

I have been having trouble with headaches. I had an awful one last night , but it was gone by this morning. But, alas, it is starting to return. Advil doesn't seem to be helping.

Tonight for dinner I will be having a bit of low cal fish (tilapia, about 100 cals per 4 ounce serving) and a smidge of beans and rice. I'm trying to cut waaaaaay down on the sodium in my diet, I don't need any help retaining water.

It is nice to have everything done early to be able to sit and relax, mess around online, and perhaps read some of my book.

OH yeah...I almost forgot!!! I got a belated birthday check in the mail for $50.....woo hoo. That was a pleasant surprise..

some help here PLEASE!!!

2008-04-28T17:55:04Z

just so you all know annababes in the one who referred me here. she is my best friend. i am still kind of trying to get the hang of all this livejournal business. today i am going to fast. wish me luck. add me as a friend if you wish. i am going to go clean the house now.

thin, thinner, thinnest

2008-04-28T17:42:02Z

well, here i am. finally on live journal. thanks anna!! i will post more later.
stay strong.